Two is the age that everybody warns you about and you sort of nod your head and think “that won’t be my sweet little darling” until the day comes and right before your very eyes your innocent princess turns into a little a-hole. Yes, I just called my kid an a-hole because honestly 50% of the time these days thats exactly what she acts like. Two is an evil age that sucks the very being out of your child and makes them act like they have been possessed.
Case in point, the other day I went to the grocery store with Em and she happened to see one of those massive carts with the car attached to the front. You the know the ones… they have the tiny ass cart attached and no room for groceries because the car is so effing huge. And navigating them around a grocery store is near impossible so you end up knocking shit off the shelves left and right. Evidently a man designed that thing, you know, “the bigger, the better!” Well she saw one. And then just as quickly as she saw it a lady and her son grabbed it. I immediately did a happy dance in my head for dodging the “car cart” shopping trip but my happiness faded seconds later when I realized I was dealing with a stage 5 meltdown.
Now, I debated leaving but we were out of milk… and ice cream so it was necessity. I pulled out all of my tricks, lollipops, the iPad, I said I would get her something “reaaaaaaaally cool” from the grocery store if she stopped crying but she was still pissed. I started to try and put her in the regular old cart at this point and she went completely straight leg on me. It was like trying to work a jackhammer. Moms are walking by and giving me the “your kid is terrible” look and then moms (with a-hole toddlers too) are giving me the “been there done that” look.. I finally got her into the cart and at this point I am sweating… its 32 degrees out and I was stripping in front of the Harris Teeter.
We start walking in and she sees those effing gumball machines with toys inside them and starts screaming that she “NEEDS ONE” I know I’m not supposed to cave to this behavior but I really just wanted to get into the damn store at this point so I start digging in my purse. I was struggling to find a quarter when a man handed me one. How sweet huh? He must’ve witnessed “cart-gate” and felt sorry for me. I let her pick and we got the toy and life was good again. I even managed to make it halfway through the store without any more incidents until it happened … we ran into the damn “Car Cart” and just like that all of the trauma came rushing back to her. She screamed the rest of the time until I got her back into the car and then like magic she was fine. The “car cart” brings out the evil in my child.
I’ve decided that in the future when I go grocery shopping, I am going to bring lots of quarters…
and a blind fold!
Crown & Ginger 