Momming | Crown & Ginger

So it’s been a hot minute since I posted something wise and insightful for all you mommies out there. I mean, pretty sure I’ve NEVER posted anything wise and insightful on this here blog given I have no clue what I’m doing over here in the parenting department but anywho yesterday I said I was gonna blog so here I am doing it, a day late… go figure.
In the almost six months since I last posted my kid has started school (ER-MA-GAWD) and boycotted sleeping. We went from bragging about how badass of a sleeper she was to dealing with an ass who’s sleeping is bad. I’m preeeeeetty sure that’s called karma but I could be wrong.

I dont want to point the finger here (finger directly pointed at my husband) but Em was sleeping perfectly fine until I took a fantastic girls weekend (AKA mommymoon) and left her with el Daddio. P.S. That was in July. In his survival mode state he let her sleep in our bed all weekend and whatdayaknow she kind of liked it! So now we’re stuck negotiating with her every night, like a freaking terrorist, trying to get her to sleep in her own effin bed that she “DOESN’T YIKE!”

Promptly upon my return I started tough and laid the hammer down. I told her she was sleeping in her bed and that was that! I felt strong, Momma was home and shit was going back to normal. Then after about 15 minutes of her yelling “MOMMY’S MEEM, I WANT DADDY!” I caved and told her she could lay in our bed for “FIVE MINUTES and then she had to sleep in her bed.” Well five minutes turned into 10, and 10 into 20 and before I knew it she was sleeping in the damn bed with us for 3 weeks straight. Now if you have never slept in the bed with a toddler, consider yourself lucky. It’s like sleeping next to that very drunk best friend you had to take care of in college. You know the one that keeps randomly throwing karate kicks and high V’s all night. And if you’re reaaaally lucky they’ll give you a 3am bed pissing to get your blood flowing. The best part is that I would wake up halfway through the night to find my adorable husband had snuck off to the guest room and left me with the kickboxing queen. I mean he only created this situation, why stick around when it gets tough. After a week or two of getting the shit beat out of me I decided I couldn’t do it anymore and I told her I would lay with her in her bed but she could not lay in ours. Not sure who I was punishing with that one but it seemed like a good idea at the time. I laid in her bed till she fell asleep and then snuck out. Well as soon as she would wake up and realize I wasn’t there, she would come get me and then the cycle would repeat. ALL.NIGHT.LONG! And now instead of getting beat up all night long I’m dealing with her tiny ass creeping into my room and scaring the piss out of me every two hours.

I don’t care what anyone says there is nothing scarier than being woken up out of a dead sleep to a small child standing next to your bed staring at you. The other night, in the pitch dark she came crawling, CRAW-LING into my room, with her long dark hair and I swear to God I thought I was about to get swallowed up like in that movie The Grudge.

Me: (Gasping and possibly pissing myself) Em hun, you gotta get up.

Emmie: Why?

Me: Because you’re really creeping mommy out.

Each night I say I’m gonna do it and stick to my guns, tonight is the night I stand firm and won’t let her sleep in our room and then 3 am rolls around and in my half asleep stupor I fling her into our bed and wave the white flag. Because shitty sleep is still better than no sleep. But tonight, well tonight… I think I may just have to sneak off to that magical guest room and leave the creepy little wake up calls to the instigator himself.

I mean, you can’t help Karma people…

just ask Brad Pitt. 😉

So Mother’s Day is right around the bend and because I am a mom to a very “spirited” toddler I think I speak for mothers everywhere when I say … we deserve more than ONE day!

We put in 365 days of physical and emotional work as a mother. That’s 24 hours a day and 7 days a week. Exhausted is just a state of being at this point and yet we get one day, ONE measly day to be recognized for our actions. The fact is that we are so damn exhausted from the week that by the time the end of the weekend rolls around we cant even enjoy Mother’s Day and because some GENIUS decided to put it on a Sunday instead of a Saturday getting drunk isn’t even an option. Thanks a lot!

Don’t get me wrong I appreciate the fact that we even get a day to be celebrated at all but the cold hard truth is I am tired AF and would love some time to myself, and lately that shit just doesn’t happen. I mean I can’t remember the last shower or bathroom break I took without Emerson. So my proposal is this… I think it needs to be changed to “Mother’s Weekend” and the entire weekend be focused on the pampering of all the fierce Mommas out there. A weekend full of rest and relaxation and showing the mom in your life exactly how much her hard work and patience means to you. Not with a card or a bouquet of flowers but by leaving her the eff alone.

And just in case anyone needs help filling the space for “Mothers Weekend” here are some sure-fire things that I think all moms would love:

A reason to leave the house that does not include the grocery store or a child activity. Plan something fun for that amazing momma in your life. The fact that she gets to leave the house to do something besides watch as her child screams down the aisles at your local Harris Teeter will be the highlight of MW (Mothers Weekend, I am abbreviating it now).
A reason to wear real pants and lip gloss. This goes with #1. Pick a place that she can actually change out of her “mom clothes” and be that sexy woman she used to be before kids ruined her wardrobe and cool-factor.
Give us wine. Because we deal with your kid all day long, we need a drink. This seems self-explanatory.
Let us sleep. For once when the kid gets up in the middle of the night intercept her and let us sleep. And to top it off when that same kid comes strolling in at 6:45am grab them and go downstairs so we can sleep-in. Extra sleep = day made.
Cook for us. On MW we don’t want to have to prepare any meals so do your best Top-Chef and cook for us. We promise we wont be as picky as you are, the sheer fact that someone besides “Chic-fi-la” is preparing our meal is enough to make MW the best moment of our lives.
Pick up after yourself. Just like cooking, we also do not want to clean on MW so make a point to pick up all the shit you have strategically placed around the house knowing we would pick up. Just pretend that a famous sports star is coming to visit you. So make the house look nice for them… and us.
Some time alone with ourselves. Take the kid and let us sit on the couch and watch the Real Housewives uninterrupted. Let us catch up on all the trash tv that we never get to watch since we usually are forced to watch Frozen on loop or that bitch Peppa Pig with her annoying little accent. Bring on the trash-talking cat fights and Teen Mom reruns while I sit and stuff my face on the couch.
Take kid duty. On MW we want you to take the parenting reigns. Plan the activities, keep them occupied, get them dressed, bathed, fed and put them to bed. MW is our “time-off” so you’re in the driver seat. Having to not wipe one ass is quite possibly the best gift there has ever been given.
Let us pamper ourselves. A trip to the nail or hair salon is few and far between these days, so the ability to go spend a few hours at the hair salon and get those roots done that we have neglected for the past (oh I don’t know) 6 months, would be EVE.RY.THING!
Thank us. We know you appreciate us, we know you love us, but every once in a while it feels pretty effin awesome to hear your husband tell you how badass you are. So on MW tell that pretty momma of yours just how fan-effin-tastic she is. Smother her in compliments and make sure you let her know that her hard work does NOT go unnoticed because at the end of the day all anyone really wants is to be appreciated. And an entire weekend spent being complimented on how dope of a mom you are is a pretty dope weekend.

So Happy Mother’s Weekend to all my fierce mommas. I know this job is far from easy. We work for tiny little tyrants and get paid jack shit but the good days always out weigh the bad and the rewards make it all worth it. So enjoy your weekend, you have definitely earned it!