Mother’s Weekend

So Mother’s Day is right around the bend and because I am a mom to a very “spirited” toddler I think I speak for mothers everywhere when I say … we deserve more than ONE day!

We put in 365 days of physical and emotional work as a mother. That’s 24 hours a day and 7 days a week. Exhausted is just a state of being at this point and yet we get one day, ONE measly day to be recognized for our actions. The fact is that we are so damn exhausted from the week that by the time the end of the weekend rolls around we cant even enjoy Mother’s Day and because some GENIUS decided to put it on a Sunday instead of a Saturday getting drunk isn’t even an option. Thanks a lot!

Don’t get me wrong I appreciate the fact that we even get a day to be celebrated at all but the cold hard truth is I am tired AF and would love some time to myself, and lately that shit just doesn’t happen. I mean I can’t remember the last shower or bathroom break I took without Emerson. So my proposal is this… I think it needs to be changed to “Mother’s Weekend” and the entire weekend be focused on the pampering of all the fierce Mommas out there. A weekend full of rest and relaxation and showing the mom in your life exactly how much her hard work and patience means to you. Not with a card or a bouquet of flowers but by leaving her the eff alone.

And just in case anyone needs help filling the space for “Mothers Weekend” here are some sure-fire things that I think all moms would love:

1. A reason to leave the house that does not include the grocery store or a child activity. Plan something fun for that amazing momma in your life. The fact that she gets to leave the house to do something besides watch as her child screams down the aisles at your local Harris Teeter will be the highlight of MW (Mothers Weekend, I am abbreviating it now).
2. A reason to wear real pants and lip gloss. This goes with #1. Pick a place that she can actually change out of her “mom clothes” and be that sexy woman she used to be before kids ruined her wardrobe and cool-factor.
3. Give us wine. Because we deal with your kid all day long, we need a drink. This seems self-explanatory.
4. Let us sleep. For once when the kid gets up in the middle of the night intercept her and let us sleep. And to top it off when that same kid comes strolling in at 6:45am grab them and go downstairs so we can sleep-in. Extra sleep = day made.
5. Cook for us. On MW we don’t want to have to prepare any meals so do your best Top-Chef and cook for us. We promise we wont be as picky as you are, the sheer fact that someone besides “Chic-fi-la” is preparing our meal is enough to make MW the best moment of our lives.
6. Pick up after yourself. Just like cooking, we also do not want to clean on MW so make a point to pick up all the shit you have strategically placed around the house knowing we would pick up. Just pretend that a famous sports star is coming to visit you. So make the house look nice for them… and us.
7. Some time alone with ourselves. Take the kid and let us sit on the couch and watch the Real Housewives uninterrupted. Let us catch up on all the trash tv that we never get to watch since we usually are forced to watch Frozen on loop or that bitch Peppa Pig with her annoying little accent. Bring on the trash-talking cat fights and Teen Mom reruns while I sit and stuff my face on the couch.
8. Take kid duty. On MW we want you to take the parenting reigns. Plan the activities, keep them occupied, get them dressed, bathed, fed and put them to bed. MW is our “time-off” so you’re in the driver seat. Having to not wipe one ass is quite possibly the best gift there has ever been given.
9. Let us pamper ourselves. A trip to the nail or hair salon is few and far between these days, so the ability to go spend a few hours at the hair salon and get those roots done that we have neglected for the past (oh I don’t know) 6 months, would be EVE.RY.THING!
10. Thank us. We know you appreciate us, we know you love us, but every once in a while it feels pretty effin awesome to hear your husband tell you how badass you are. So on MW tell that pretty momma of yours just how fan-effin-tastic she is. Smother her in compliments and make sure you let her know that her hard work does NOT go unnoticed because at the end of the day all anyone really wants is to be appreciated. And an entire weekend spent being complimented on how dope of a mom you are is a pretty dope weekend.

So Happy Mother’s Weekend to all my fierce mommas. I know this job is far from easy. We work for tiny little tyrants and get paid jack shit but the good days always out weigh the bad and the rewards make it all worth it. So enjoy your weekend, you have definitely earned it!

And don’t worry there is only 363 more days till the next Mothers Weekend.

World’s Strongest Baby

So last night Em was having a hard time getting to sleep. I can’t remember the last time she has made a sound after I put her in her crib and walked out. We have a little routine now and its pretty easy. Bath time, bedtime story, bottle and then I lay her down. I wont lie to you and say that sometimes I don’t miss the days when she needed me to soothe her to sleep but most of the time it’s really effing nice to be able to just lay her down and walk out. No fuss, no stress, she just puts herself to sleep and its as easy as that. My girl sleeps straight through the night 7:30pm – 7:30am. AHHHHHHHHHHHHH! (I can feel the evil eyes from the mommas that don’t get sleep).

Last night was different though. She just wasn’t herself and she kept fussing and waking up and I could just tell she needed some momma time. I enjoyed it too. I could have sat there all night with her in my arms and I wouldn’t have minded. While I was rocking her I starting thinking about how she was going to turn one this week and how quickly it all went by. My mind went back to this time last year and how completely unprepared I was for motherhood. How my biggest concern was the stupid freaking hospital bag when really I should have been worrying about the shit storm of a delivery I was about to endure. Nothing could have prepared me for that and honestly I don’t think I would have wanted anyone to, I probably never would have let her come out. Sometimes you just have to live life in order to really understand it.

I look back on how I spent the month leading up to Em’s birth shopping for cute stuff to wear at the hospital, but then being hooked up to so many machines that they wouldn’t let me get up or shower. So I stayed in the hospital robe for 3 days and my hair was so greasy it looked wet.  Or how I pinned 36 different pins about “How to Take the Best Hospital Photos” but then got so violently ill during my C-section that I started puking bile, like the damn exorcist and Bobby got so freaked out he dropped his phone. SOOOOOO … I have absolutely no photos of my newborn baby and will die before I ever let the pictures of me holding her, swollen 58 times my normal size be seen by ANYONE!!!!

To add insult to injury … I got very sick 3 days after we came home from the hospital and I ended up having to be admitted again for emergency surgery. Sometimes in pretty rare cases after C-Sections there is a possibility you can develop hematomas or blood clots near the incision. Well not shockingly I was one of the rare few. I thought at first that it was normal and C-Sections just really effing sucked. I couldn’t move, I couldn’t walk, I could barely stand. Holding Emmie was impossible, it hurt so bad and trying to get off the couch was pure torture. I kept telling myself that I most be the worlds biggest sissy. I had heard so many stories of people up and moving the next day, what the hell was wrong with me?! After 2 days home from the hospital my entire stomach turned purple and was hot to the touch. The next day it was really bad-looking and we just knew it was wrong but Bobby told me it looked fine to try to get me to relax and then said “Call your doctor NOW!” After a quick appointment and 3 different OB’s staring at my incision I heard the words no mother wants to hear: “We’re sending you straight to the hospital you need surgery immediately and you will need to figure out arrangements for you daughter, you will be there for a few days!” UMMMMMM Excuse me?

I cried the entire way and begged Bobby to stop at the house so I could see her first. It was the single most hardest goodbye I have ever said. I wasn’t scared or worried, I knew she would be well taken care of by the grandparents but none of the people with her were me. Leaving your newborn baby is not natural, it hurts more than you can ever describe.  I do not know how the mommas with the sweet little babies in the NICU do it. You are amazing and your strength is admirable.

I got fixed up and after 2 1/2 days in the hospital I was reunited with my beautiful baby girl.  It felt like forever and it was miserable but we got through it. Now a year later I look at her and see how fiercely independent she is. She is strong and smart and ready to take on the world. Just 12 months old and I already know she is going to do some pretty amazing things. I cant help but wonder if she got that strength from my weakest days. She must’ve known that her momma needed her to be strong and so her strength got us through it.  It definitely wasn’t the way I had envisioned spending my first month with my daughter but I would do it all over in a second, every single part of it just to be where we are today.

Thank you Emerson for being my strength. Mommy loves you.

Pain-trest

So we’re nearing the one year mark for keeping Emerson alive which of course means a ridiculous, over-the-top birthday party that she will have no recollection of and will cost a shit ton of money. Apparently that’s how things are done these days and dammit I have every intention on jumping on that bandwagon. If there is one thing THIS girl loves it’s planning parties, decorating and spending my husbands hard-earned money. So sign me up!

Naturally the first thing you do when you are trying to organize one of these parties is hop on Pinterest. So I’ve been spending quite a bit of time on there and consequently I’ve come to find out a few key things about myself…

1.) Apparently I have failed terribly as a mother the past 10 1/2 months of Em’s life. I start looking at these “checklists for the first month” or “25 musts to ensure a healthy newborn” and “if you don’t do these 15 things your child wont be smart”. Okay, I might have made the last one up but basically that’s what you will find if you start pinning around. And then the mommy-guilt sets in and you think that you’re the worst mom ever. All these picture perfect pins showing moms with their craft time and fruit arrangements made into pictures (like seriously, who the eff has time for that?) They do realize that the nano second they lay that shit in front of their kid its gonna be destroyed and the 25 minutes they just spent dividing the bananas and strawberries up to look like a sailboat is all for nothing, right?

2.) My house is boring and must be redecorated immediately. I’m not talking a picture or a lamp, I’m talking I need an entirely new staircase or vaulted ceiling. Or better yet I’d like one of those reclaimed wood floors made out of old wine barrels. Yeah, that’d be cool… or maybe I can get Em one of those beds that look like Cinderella’s carriage.. totaaaaally affordable. Definitely need that. Oooooohhhh look at that really cool bookcase made out of palettes … and its DIY so I know I can do that, you know in my spare time. Pin. Pin. and Pin.

3.) I’m a lazy ass cook. When I go to pin a recipe for a crock pot meal let me be very clear this is what I am expecting to do: Open a can of “cream of something”; open a package of chicken; dump some other ingredients in and VIOLA! Dinner. I do NOT want to brown the chicken and then put it in my crock pot. Ummmmm… are you serious?!? “Crockpot Diva” is that your name? When I click on a recipe that says “Easy crock pot chicken” I expect it to be easy dammit. Don’t reel me in and waste my time… By the time I pull that pan out to brown the stupid chicken, my daughter will have pulled half the Tupperware out of the cabinet, smashed roughly 15-20 puffs onto the previously clean kitchen floor, tried to eat the cat food 6 times and had 4 meltdowns when I stopped her and consequently I will have browned that chicken so badly it will be inedible. So NO I do not want to brown the chicken. I want to dump that shit in a crock pot and walk the eff away. OKAY?

4.) I may or may not need Ritalin. I get on there with a task at hand, to search for first birthday ideas and then before I know it I’ve got some random pins with adorable little girls wearing bedazzled Chuck Taylors on my screen. “Oh My Gawd! Em has to have those!” so I click on that pin. It takes me to some chick’s board with a ton of adorable pins of little girls dressed like grown up people. I start clicking because Emmie needs ALL of this. EVERY.SINGLE.THING! Suddenly there I am, looking at a pin of Mommy and Me outfits. How freaking adorable would we look in those?! Let me just click on this and see if they have my size… and then just like that I am on the Revolve website buying myself a new fall wardrobe. Before I know it my cart is up to $156 and I am checking out. Effin Pinterest, strikes again.

So clearly this whole birthday planning is going pretty well. We’re about a month out and I’ve only really nailed down a theme so far. My “To-Do” list is getting longer instead of shorter thanks to Pinterest … add a trip to the Pediatrician to double-check that I haven’t royally effed Em up the past year due to my blatant disregard to checklists; meet with contractor about new cork floors; take cooking lessons so Bobby doesn’t leave me; make Doctor’s appointment to get Ritalin… and then I should prooooobably start working on this party at some point.

Ugh, turning one is really a Pin-in-the ass.