All I Want for Christmas

Ahhhhh, the holidays. The most wonderful time of the year. Time to relax and push the craziness of the usual work week aside and enjoy some downtime. Or in my house a time for last minute shopping, week of Christmas sicknesses and just general utter chaos. In typical Holupka fashion we have been spending the last few days running around like lunatics while Emmie pukes on stuff. Just making things Merry over here y’all!

Aside from sanitizing everything besides the Christmas tree. I know that buying gifts is sometimes the hardest part about the holidays. So in an effort to help anyone who still needs to purchase a gift for a mom in their life I have come up with a little list of my own 5 things that I think all moms would personally much prefer on Christmas morning. So chuck those slippers and listen up men…

1.) ALONE TIME –  I’m not even suggesting an expensive spa package or hotel suite (but that sounds effin amazing), a simple trip to the bathroom without an audience would honestly make my entire month. I can’t remember the last time I pissed in private or didn’t go running down the hall with my pants around my ankles because I heard the always terrifying “one, twooooooo, thr-”  Meanwhile all Bobby has to do is say “I can’t watch her right now, I gotta go to the baaaaaaaathroom” and he hides for 3 hours in the basement. So basically just coupons for bathroom breaks would be a huge gift win. Check.

2.) TV CONTROL –  As a toddler mom I have to endure some pretty shitty TV on a daily basis. All day long I listen to Mickey Mouse, Peppa Pig, the Bubble Guppies, and the list goes on. Now I love English accents as much as the next guy but I am fairly certain Peppa Pig was put on this Earth to torture the souls of parents everywhere.  And now I am stuck listening to that little heffer until my ears bleed. Gone are the days I could turn on the ole’ boob tube and watch any thing I wanted. I now have think about the well being of my child before I pop on some godforsaken trashy show. So for Christmas I would love to be able to watch endless amounts of KUWTK, Vanderpump Rules, Teen Mom and any other ridiculous television show that I have no business watching around my kid, whilst someone else (I’m looking at you hubby) makes sure she doesn’t hear any of the nonsense I am thoroughly enjoying.

3.) SLEEP IN – This is a biggie. Especially if your kid is no longer in a crib. Oh the crib, the binding, crib. How I miss thee. Now I will roll over and BAM! There’s a tiny human staring at me at 6:45AM. And then all of the sudden she’s climbing into my bed…. “Mommy, watch Peppa Pig?” Oh yes, please because the only thing better than being up before 7AM is being up and listening to that little twit. I would be very thankful if my Christmas gift included a few extras hours of sleep while little Miss Up Early Em watched Punkass Pig downstairs. So add that to the list Santa. SLEEEEPPPPPP!

4.) NO JUDGEMENT – this could cover a lot of areas but my “NO JUDGEMENT” gift is mainly for appearance. An amazing gift would be if you didn’t judge the fact that I have not changed my clothes or showered all day.  So what if I am still wearing the same clothes I was in when you left for work this morning. And maybe that IS ketchup on my shirt. Big Whoop. Some days, I just try and survive and if I haven’t managed to change my clothes or shower you can bet your ass this is one of them. Soooo it’s probably in your best interest to pretend like you don’t even notice I look like I’m homeless and you find something random to compliment me on. Ignore or adore husband you have two options. Judgement free days would be an amazing gift for the mom who does it all.

5.) FUN PARENT – In every successful family there is a good cop and there is a bad cop. The good cop is the fun parent that swoops in just in time for candy and ice cream and tickle parties. They get to do the fun stuff like play outside even when the bad cop says its too cold or its almost time for dinner. They let her lay in your bed to go to sleep even though they know its setting the entire switch to a big girl bed back 10 steps. They are the hero. They always win.  Then there is ME. The bad cop. The one who lays the law down and gives medicine and enemas and tells her that she cannot have skittles for dinner or pull on the cat’s ears.  I am not the hero, I am the bad cop. I am “MEEM”. Well for Christmas I want to get to be the good cop, at least for a day. I want to know what it’s like to be the fun one. But more importantly I want YOU to know what its like to be the “MEEM ONE”. Feel that burn just once in your life.

And there you have it. Easy gifts that don’t require any shopping at all but I guarantee that the mom in your life will like them a hell of a lot better than anything you can buy for her. Because sanity, well you cant put a price on that.

Although, I would be willing to put big bucks down if anyone was into taking down that bitch Peppa Pig.